Note: I trashed this post a couple of weeks ago, after speaking to my counsellor I have decided to reinstate it.
Recently, I have identified my biggest character flaw. It’s not my worthlessness or my idiocy (although they are two horrendous attributes), it’s the fact I am a complete burden on everyone I know and love.
This week, my sons have been on holiday with their grandparents which means I have been free to see people more often than I normally would. During this time, I have completely disregarded the fact that the person I like to see the most is an introvert and I haven’t allowed him a single moment of solitude. For that, I am truly sorry, yet I still want to contact him and scream “I need help!”
I am more parasite than human. I latch onto my hosts and take all I need from them with no regard for how this may be affecting their lives. It’s hardly surprising that people I considered my closest friends have “abandoned” me recently, it’s not that they abandoned me, I have driven them away. My persistent selfishness, my need to be with people, my fucked up brain, my depression, it’s all too much. I used to be good at hiding it, I used to put other people’s wellbeing first. I want to be that person again. I was slowly dying, but the people I loved were doing well and that is more important to me.
I dreamed of death last night and was disappointed when I awoke. I lay in bed for several hours, trying to get back to the comfort of my dream, where I am no longer a burden to my friends, my family and society. I only succeeded in tossing and turning and wondering if I had enough medication in the flat to act on my long term standing suicide plan. That’s when I decided to wake up and take an inventory:
Fluoxetine – 17 tablets
Diazepam – 2 tablets
Piriton – 300ml (would this counteract things or help – Google should know)
Cough medicine – 100ml (yes, pretty useless but no harm adding it!)
Strong cough medicine – 200ml (possibly slightly more useful than the above)
Calpol – 100ml (ha!)
Calbrufen – 100ml (ha again!)
Lemsip – 8 sachets
Beechams Night – 1 tablet
600mg Ibuprofen – 17 tablets
Ibuprofen with Codeine – 7 tablets
Paracetamol – 7 tablets
Sleeping tablets – 18 tablets
This makes a total of 69 tablets, 800ml of liquid medication and 8 sachets of powder shit. It should be enough.
The only thing stopping me is the fact that my children should have a mother, even one as pathetic and useless as me. I have to weigh that up against how much I am taking from the people I love and how much of a drain on society I am (as someone who lives on benefits). For now it’s comforting to know I could do it if I felt myself being too much for people to handle.
In the interim, I will get dressed, smoke and try to ignore the voice screaming in my head that I should just do it. People say they’d miss me, I think they’d appreciate their freedom more.